Will I die with unfinished business ?

Today is one of those days where I keep reminiscing the past. I’m sure everyone has those days every now and then. As I reflect on past events, I realize that most of the things I regret are those that occured during childhood and adolescence. Hopefully it’s a sign of wisdom gained as I transitioned to adulthood. These memories have always come sporadically and in a haphazard manner. I’ve never really sat down to see if I can right any of my past regrets before my time in this world comes to an end. Maybe it’s time I did something about it…

I once did very badly in an important examination. Back then I was transitioning to adolescence. So many things seemed more interesting that my studies. I was distracted by girls, sports… and my first taste of freedom. All of them resulted in adverse outcomes that haunt me until today. Well not so much the examination I guess. Even though I did badly (not getting straight A’s is bad), the results hardly matter in life, and it served as an important wake up call. Academically, I did pretty well after that.

I dedicated much of my time to sports that year. I’ve never had the opportunity to compete for my school before, and that year presented the most viable opportunity. However, at the last minute, I was betrayed by both friend and coach ! Although that has caused a permanent scar, it has taught me a few important lessons. First, that asshole is not my friend (a lesson that proved useful for the rest of my life as he has gone on to fuck others up but not me). Second, I lost because of a lack of confidence and self believe. I buckled under pressure. Something that I’ve constantly worked on over the last 2 decades of my life. While I’m not perfect, I believe that I have learned the art of keeping a level head in tight situations. I guess that problem has been rectified then 🙂

I did have a girlfriend. I was young, yes. It was childish but fun 😛 It did cause me to make several silly decisions, nothing that permanently ruined my life thankfully. In fact, some positive decisions came out of it ! Sadly, it did not end that well. I was young, immature, cowardly. I didn’t handle our interaction very well. Upon further reflection, I’m pretty sure the attraction I had was purely physical. We hardly spoke or spent any time together. I think we hardly knew each other. There were probably many things that transpired behind my back. You know girls, they talk to everyone… every close friend they have is an emotional adviser. I do remember receiving a phone call from on old friend shortly after it ended (was he truly friend ? I’ll never know), needless to say that conversation did not end well too. Over the years she and I have resolved our differences. She and I are… friends… we never speak of the past anymore. We keep our distance… but I guess we are now both old enough to know what it was, and look back on what we had with fondness.

Although it might seem like there was nothing to regret from that… well there was… because there was another. One that I did not treat that well… or rather was too self absorbed to realize what was happening. The words she uttered to me on that last day of school haunt me to this day. Many years later I had a chance to right things. Though I was much older, I found myself making the same mistakes I made when I was young. Pride. It’s both my strength and my curse… Needless to say things did not end well. Due to the circumstance I’m currently in, there seems to be no way to make things right for the foreseeable future. We could have been friends… we could have been very good friends…